Following a few simple steps can ensure that your experience with each and every program you purchase can be an absolute nightmare. If you follow each of these simple steps, you will have a great story to tell the folks at the office. You know, the one about the software company that went out of their way to make the software unusable and then didn't even try to help you resolve the problem.

• First, open the package and pop the disk into the drive. CD-ROMs should always be placed in the ROM drive with the printed side down. Be sure to put the unopened manual at the bottom of a desk drawer. This will help to put you in the proper mood to call technical support.

• Next, "putter" around with the program, run Windows installation programs from DOS, and vice versa. Installing from 3.5"? You may want to format the disk.

• Wait until well after business hours and call the number in the catalog for credit card orders (only, hmm, what exactly does only mean?). Explode when the order taker explains that you have to call a different number for Technical Support, and that Technical Support is open from 8 AM to 6 PM PACIFIC TIME. Curse out the Operator and hang up without writing down the Tech Support number.

• Wait until 11:30 that night, then dig the manual out of the desk drawer to look up the Tech Support number you didn't write down. Call the Tech Support number, and reach voice mail. Get upset because Tech Support is closed. Leave an acrid and sarcastic message, but don't leave your area code.

• Now that you are completely frustrated, go to bed so you can be up and fresh for the Tech Support call back.

• Get up at 6:30 and "putter" with the program some more. At 7:15 call Tech Support and get voice mail again (don't these people ever work?). Leave another blistering message, but don't leave your name or the title of the program. After all if it's morning at your place in New York, someone in California should be available to answer your call.

• Play Solitaire on the computer until 11:15, using the program's manual as a mouse pad. Step out for "just five minutes" to grab coffee and a doughnut.

• Get back at 11:55, and retrieve the message from the Tech from your voice mail. Because you didn't tell the Technical Support voice mail which program you had, the message simply says that a Tech called at 7:53 (That wacky time thing again).

• Call Tech Support and wait on hold. After holding for 45 seconds, hang up. Dial Tech Support again. Wait 35 seconds and hang up. Dial Tech Support again and get even more frustrated when you are asked to hold for the next available technician. Surely redialing will help you get to the front of the queue. Hang up after holding one full minute.

• Call the front desk of the software company at 2:15. Berate the receptionist because you've held on the Tech Support line for "forty-five minutes" and no one ever answers. (As you rant the receptionist checks her console and sees that the longest holding call of the day was four minutes, and that took place between 9:03 and 9:07 AM (local time, 1:03 to 1:07 your time) and that the average abandon time is sixteen seconds, that crazy redial thing). Demand that the receptionist have a technician call you back within five minutes, because you need to use this program for a presentation you have to give in an hour. If you "don't get a call immediately, there'll be a lawsuit!"

• Answer the phone at 2:30, and immediately insult the technician and his ancestors, be sure to swear like a sailor because it took "forty-five minutes" for the receptionist to relay the message. Tell the tech that you are outraged with how you've been treated. After all, you just "paid $59 for this program (MSRP $19.99)!" And you can't believe that "a company who charges hundreds of dollars for each program (MSRP $19.99) doesn't offer no-wait toll-free 24 hour technical support. Every other software company offers no-wait toll-free technical support."

• After you've vented your spleen, expect the Tech to answer your questions and address your problem in a courteous, professional manner.

• At 2:32 inform the technician that "every other program" works on your computer, and resist every attempt the Technician makes to diagnose the problem. After all, you've "already tried everything."

• At 2:33, place the Technician on hold, so you can answer another phone call (that is far more important than the presentation you claimed to need the software for which is now less than 45 minutes away).

• At 2:45, get back to the technician, only to find that he isn't there (inconceivable!). Call the Tech Support number and swear at a different technician who happens to field the call. "How dare the Technician hang up" on you. Berate the new technician when he suggests that you follow along with the installation instructions in the manual, which you have to dig out of the desk drawer (again). After all, if the answer was in the manual, you wouldn't have called in the first place.

• At 2:50, with all the difficulties resolved (who would have guessed that the answer could be on page 4!), discover how much easier it would have been to read the manual in the first place (although you'd never admit it). Inform the tech that it should have worked properly in the first place, tell him how unprofessional he has been, claim that you'll never buy another XYZ product and hang up.

  
  Besides ignoring the documentation, there are a few other things you can do to make your experience additionally excruciating...

• Ignore the system requirements on the box. They're only recommendations anyway, and they surely don't apply to your computer.

• If you only have a 3.5" drive on your 386SX-16, be sure to buy the CD-ROM version of the software. Hey, the Mega-Compu-Superstore Sales --->CLERK<---- (that should have set off a warning bell, now shouldn't it have.) told you that you could get the 3.5" version from the manufacturer, and now you find out that you first have to register the software by mailing back the software registration card. Then, go ballistic the greedy manufacturer wants you to pay the shipping and handling charges for rush service and overnight delivery. (Off on a quick tangent, part of my job consists of sourcing and selecting equipment for our company. We were looking for a flatbed scanner, and had decided on the HP 3C, but I wanted to get some additional info. At Mega-Compu-Superstore, when asked for feautres the CLERK proceeded to read the sticker on the side of the box to me. The sticker said something like '8 bit scanning with 24bit enhanced scanning mode' when I asked him what that meant he told me that '24bit is better than 8 bit' Gosh. I'd have never guessed. Thanks so much. If you insist on shopping at the Mega-Compu-Superstore that always promises the lowest price and be damned the consequences, be prepared to deal with the lowest IQ employees.) BTW, you can bet that if the title isn't available on 3.5" (let's see, 1.44 MB versus 650 MB, hmmm, why do software publishers offer some titles only on CD?) the Mega-Compu-Superstore won't let you return the title because of "copyright" reasons.

• Never make an attempt to understand how to use you computer. After all, you didn't have to take driver's ed to learn to drive a car. You didn't have to take some lessons to learn to fox-trot. And you never read the instructions when you do your taxes. While Windows makes the computer much easier to use, there is no substitute for some computer experience. If you take a few hours in the beginning to learn to use Windows, and a few DOS commands, you will save yourself hours and hours of frustration.