REALISTIC ASTROLOGY

AQUARIUS: (Jan 20 to Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are careless and impractical, causing you to repeat the same mistakes. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES: (Feb 19 to Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.

ARIES: (Mar 21 to Apr 20) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. In short, you are a prick.

TAURUS: (Apr 21 to May 20) You are practical and persistant. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and thickheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.

GEMINI: (May 21 to June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER: (June 21 to July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding towards other people's needs. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. This is why you will always be on welfare and will never be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

LEO: (July 23 to Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot. They enjoy masturbation more than sex.

VIRGO: (Aug 23 to Sep 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemitional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA: (Sep 23 to Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO: (Oct 23 to Nov 21) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son of a bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS: (Nov 22 to Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent. The vast majority of Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. You are a worthless piece of shit, and people laugh at you because you are always getting fucked.

CAPRICORN: (Dec 22 to Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. This means you are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance whatsoever. You should kill yourself.