Sure Cures for the Madness of Meetings

by Stanley Bing

Remember delegation? Sure you do. That was the thing you did when you had staff - people you could tell to got to all the meetings you didn't wish to take, make or do. Today, even the most august nabob must attend an endless series of confabs, sitdowns and chatfests. Here are some easy, fun games to lighten the meeting load, or at least keep you awake.

Solo Tic-Tac-Toe. At the lowest level of boredom - where it barely hurts more than, say, a rock the size of a beach ball resting on your midsection for several hours - you simply need something to occupy your hands and make you appear studious. Take a small corner of your scratch pad and play tic-tac-toe. Try pitting one side of yourself against the other. I find it most interesting to set the portion of myself that is in favor of Pyrrhic mergers and acquisitions against the portion that

'Narcolepsy Chicken'
and other sly
amusements for those
lengthy chatfests.

believes American business should abandon stupid financial manipulation and get back to producing a fair product for a fair price. The first guy usually wins, by the way, but only because he cheats.

Pass the Trash. Carefully scan the table for the other individual who is about to experience synaptic collapse. Don't worry - he'll be there. Now, carefully and soberly write something idiotic on a small piece of paper and, in full sight of reigning authority, pass it across the table to him. Again: this move should be obvious and unabashed, so brazen that no one could possibly guess that the inside of the missive reads: "LaVigne should probably do something about the hair in his hears." Your goal here is to make your colleague blow ice water through his nose.
Stanley Bing writes the pseudonymous "Executive Summary" column for Esquire magazine. His 1992 book, "Crazy Bosses," was published in paperback this month by Pocket Books. 		Beverage Rampage! Most self-respecting meetings these days have enough drinks to give a camel an aneurysm. Mineral water, coffee, diet soda and even, in New Age corporations, juice and designer tea. Start drinking right away, and add to your glass the moment your eyelids droop. How many tumblers of liquid can you consume before you apply a thoughtful demeanor and sidle off to the restroom? Six? Ten? My record is eight.

That's Economics! At times, to stay awake, you must actually become involved in the meeting itself. To do this, pick a fight about numbers. This is because business numbers may be fabricated at will by anyone who has a use for them. Getting started is easy: just say, "Is the discounted cash flow adjusted for a realistic or optimistic inflation assumption?" And watch the C.P.A. fur fly! Aren't they cute when they're angry?

Vision Quest. Deep into the meeting, while the V.P. of H.R. is touting the new H.M.O., when the only light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train, have some real fun. Think back to your company's Big Themes over the years. Remember 1984's "You Make The Difference"? How about "Reachin' the Top!" from 1989? Or why not make a chart showing how "Employee Ownership" led to "Stewardship Through Excellence," producing today's thrust toward "Performance Plus"?

Narcolepsy Chicken. Still no sign of relief? It's time to see how close you can come to actual sleep. Pretending to read something in your lap allows you to close your eyes for a while, but keep a sharp pencil handy to jab yourself with.

Managing by Walking Around. When all else has failed, you're going to have to stave off sleep by appearing so engaged that you can't stay in your seat. Bonus points are granted to those who move cleanly and swiftly to a corner of the room and stand rocking back and forth, looking as if they just might say something of great import.

Leaving the Room - the Final Frontier. The toughest and most rewarding game of all. Announce you must make one quick phone call, and 		leave the room. Dial your secretary and tell her: "Come up in five minutes. Look upset. Hand me a slip of paper and then just stand there. Appear tormented. I'll take it from there." When she does, mutter something like "oh my word," rise without excuse, leaving your papers on the table, and get out of there. There's not a person in the room who will not believe you're doing something more important than they are.