"You know, I've gone to a lot of psychics, and they've told me a lot of different things, but not one of them has ever told me 'You are an undercover policewoman here to arrest me.'"

"At this point you could have two hours of George Lucas' hairy butt and it would beat Titanic."

"Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies,
but let wasps and hornets break through."

Jonathan Swift "The Internet, of course, is more than just a place to find pictures of people having sex with dogs."

"Those who learn from history are doomed to have it repeated to them anyway."

WARNING: WARNING: CAUTION: HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: CONSUMER NOTICE: ADVISORY: READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: NOTE: ATTENTION: NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: PLEASE NOTE: COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: HEALTH WARNING: IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"My kid can beat the shit out of your honor student"

"How's my driving? 1-800-EAT-SHIT"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."


... well, actually, I'd say it's third or fourth, but who's counting?

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."

"It's not the one bullet with your name on it that you have to worry about; it's the twenty-thousand-odd rounds labeled 'occupant.'"

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

"Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."

"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."

"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."

"Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."

"The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."

"I'm astounded by people who want to `know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

"There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."

"We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

"Creating shared vision produces its own order; trying to control produces the opposite effect - dysfunctional disorder or chaos."

"Remember, there is no such thing as organizational behavior; there is only behavior of individuals within the organization."

"Most executives neglect [effective] leadership and focus on management. But this menagement focus actually generates the need for *more* management to deal with all the problems that result from neglecting leadership."

"Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. ... It is the comparison that makes you proud; the pleasure of being above the rest."

"The Chinese bamboo tree is planted after the earth is prepared, and for the first four years, all of the growth is underground. The only thing visible above the ground is a little bulb and a small shoot coming out of it."
"Then, in the fifth year, the bamboo tree grows up to 80 feet."
"Someone once said of sex, 'When it's good it's marvelous, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.'"

"The multitiude is always in the wrong."

"It is undesirable to believe a proposition when there is no ground whatever for supposing it true."

"Quieta movere magna merces videbatur."

(Just to stir things up seemed a great reward in itself.)

"For an idea ever to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned."

"Architecture in general is frozen music."

"Mit der Dummheit kampfen Gotter selbst vergebens."

(With stupidity the gods themselves struggle in vain.)

"Small is beautiful."

"We trained hard ... but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization."

"The problem with you programmers is you are all friends."

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word

"The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Your friends love you, anyway.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.

The sand remembers
once there was beach and sunshine
but chip is warm too

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

When life has got you down
and you're ready to give up,
just remind yourself:
"I'm the one in control here.
I have the gun and the hostages.
So just back off, man, okay?"

"One of the things I am very grateful to my father for is that, contrary to conventional educational principles, he allowed me to read comics. I think that is how I developed a love for English and for reading."

"A commonly overlooked area for read-aloud is the comic book, and my first choice would be the incomparable Tintin - a comic book can be viewed as an interesting sequential diagram of conversation - a language blueprint. Once the blueprint is understood, the child will be ready and willing to follow it on his own without your reading it aloud."

"The average comic book introduces children to nearly twice as many new words as the average children's book and more than five times as many as the average child-adult conversation."

"I sense much NT in you, NT leads to Blue Screen. Blue Screen leads to downtime, downtime leads to suffering. NT is the path to the Dark Side."

A TRUE STORY
"... it seems like a pretty secure script since many people use it ..."

[1] The one connected to his cable modem, one would assume.